September 6, 2009

on bonus time

Two years ago today, I was cured of breast cancer.

While singing in the shower this morning, standing in the exact spot where I first felt that deadly butterbean under my skin, I had a mind-bending thought:   "I have now lived past the time when I would have died without the mastectomy, without the miracle." 

"From here on," I thought, "I'm living on bonus time."  

Then it hit me:  What am I thinking?  I've been on bonus time from the moment I was born.

I pause now to marvel at the stillness of cataclysms.

Sometimes an ordinary and unremarkable moment turns out to be an axis whack that re-tilts the world.  You smile at a stranger, you hand someone a cup of coffee, you turn left instead of right, and silently the tectonic plates beneath your life slide and lock, forever rearranging all your future calendars like geologic columns churning in a tremor.  Nothing will ever be the same, but you don't know that yet.  The world moved, and there you are just whistling away, raking leaves, brewing tea, turning a page. 

By my doctors' reckonings, there was a moment over a decade ago when a single cell in my breast quietly went haywire.  Whatever I saw happening in my life that day was nothing at all like what God saw happening in my life that day.  But He did see.  And He saw what I did not.  Which is just as well since the cells of my body fall under His sovereignty, not mine.  Thank goodness for that. 

We see through a glass darkly: there is not one moment of our lives that is exactly what it seems.

But God, who is omniscient in every moment of time, omnipowerful in every moment of time, omnipresent in every moment of time, the God who consecrated both space and time, is Lord over moments

All time is a consecrated gift. 

Which means that all of us are living on bonus time.

I find this terribly exhilirating.  Do you?


Mrs. Happy Housewife said...

I find it amazing to ponder. And I'm really happy that you've been blessed with this bonus.

Owl of the Desert said...

"You smile at a stranger, you hand someone a cup of coffee, you turn left instead of right, and silently the tectonic plates beneath your life slide and lock, forever rearranging all your future calendars like geologic columns churning in a tremor."

I love that line, QS. It really is amazing to think about.

I'm reading The Fellowship of the Ring, and there is a line I read last night from Frodo talking about all the places the Road can take you, all the possibilities each day. It made me stop and think for a moment.

So thankful for this bonus time, and God's loving watchcare.

The Correspondent said...

Thank you for sharing these thoughts, Q. I look forward to more of your post-sabbatical posts.

Jeanne said...

Every breath is grace.

So very glad to see you back.

Beck's Bounty said...

I began praying then .... and continue to pray. Has it been that long ?!?! Thank you for sharing !


rachel tsunami said...

"We see through a glass darkly: there is not one moment of our lives that is exactly what it seems

Thank you for this post. So much to ponder, to mull.

Tiffany said...

Congrats!!! I'm a 2 year survivor also and feel the same way. I read your past posts on breast cancer and just want to thank you for putting into words much of what I have also felt & struggled with during those times. I was 34 w/3 young boys at home and homeschooling when our lives were rocked and we found out real fast how much we needed God (by the minute...). I also had 4 surgeries and I had 4 rounds of Chemo and now take a very nasty drug for 5 it really hasn't ended- BUT I do feel blessed to have some 'normal' return to my life. Normal is so, so good! Thanks for writing about your experiences- makes me feel... more NORMAL!
Tiffany in Texas